tisdag 4 september 2012

Yes, it's another list. A list that smells heavily of cheap whisky.

I recently took some blood tests to check my vitals, and was pleasantly surprised when I found out that not only was I pretty much healthy, but my liver was also perfectly fine. To most people, that wouldn't come as a surprise, but living in a city mostly inhabited by university students and having a fondness of whisky and Tom Waitsy alcoholism (I have a thermos filled with absinthe. That's what.)  made me expect the worst. However, when I found out I was absolutely fine, I sat down and wondered about what aspects of life are enhanced with alcohol, and what aspects of life are just made worse by inebriation - there are always red flags around the act of drinking more than one glass of wine at home, but drinking until you vomit at parties is socially acceptable; is that really a sensible approach to alcohol? So, I present to you my list of things you should do drunk and things you shouldn't do drunk.

- Do your grocery shopping drunk. You make an every day dull task interesting, and the worst thing you can do by accident/ lack of judgement is to buy way too much garlic.
- Go to the gym drunk. Anyone who has been drunk know that when drinking, you are fucking invincible - run 5 miles just to tell your friend you love him/her and to borrow a fiver? Absolutely! Have a fist fight with a mugger cleverly disguised as a fire hydrant? Check! Do any number of pushups for a free burger at 4 a.m? Oh yes!
- Read classic literature drunk. Because even Dostoevsky becomes slapstick comedy after half a bottle of vodka.


- Don't write your exams drunk. I drank whisky to calm my nerves before an important exam once, and then I spent 15 minutes rewriting my name on the top of the exam sheet because I felt that the vowels looked like they were judging me.
- Don't shop for clothing when you're drunk. When inebriated, you will believe that anything, and I mean ANYTHING, will suit you perfectly, until you wake up sober and realize you just bought 2000 dollars worth of Crocs and a pink onesie with "SUPAHSTAR" written on the butt in rhinestones. My biggest drunk-shopping-mistake is Amazon and other internet-based stores; you can order for hundreds of dollars in just a few seconds without even the safety mechanism of a judgmental store assistant to hinder you from buying things you don't need or cannot afford. One perk however is ordering things you actually want when very drunk, and then receiving the packages in the mail. It's like Christmas. A very, very sad Christmas where you buy yourselves all the presents and then pretend that they are from someone else.
- You shouldn't do lists drunk, because you never come up with anything funny by the end of it, and instead think of things like "Are genocides setting unrealistically high standards for serial killers?" and inventing your own superhero such as "COWMAN - HE HAS FOUR STOMACHS IN ORDER TO DIGEST INJUSTICE!".

It's the circle of life. If life was directed by Charlie Sheen.