I have been a quite paranoid person ever since I was a small child: being a hypochondriac I am constantly convinced that either my family/friends or I have different types of cancer, I worry that people I love will die in car/plane/hipster bike-crashes, I worry that my apartment will catch fire when I'm not home, I worry that my cats will somehow hang themselves in my dirty laundry - to keep it short, I worry. I've spoken of my worries to a lot of different people, friends as well as professionals, and they all say the same thing: Carpe Diem - capture the day. However, this has never been a comforting help; on the contrary, it just pisses me off. Saying things like "Live like it's your last day" doesn't really help my fear of death - it fucking exacerbates it! Telling me "So, I heard you're afraid of death, so I want you to believe that you're going to die within 24 hours" IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. It's like the worst episode of 24 ever - If I would live each day as if it was my last, I would spend it all crying, rocking back and forth in my shower, eating everything in sight. I would be a complete mess, not in any way liberated. I wouldn't only capture the day; I would capture it, keep it locked up in a well and go all "It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again" on it. And regarding Carpe Diem - there are things you really shouldn't do, capturing the day or not: people use it as an excuse to do all sorts of stupid things, as if it would be some sort of an enlightened path to inner peace.
- "What? You don't want to use mescaline while babysitting because you might accidentally but the baby in the oven? Come on, live a little! Carpe Diem!"
- "What? You don't feel like trying that new choking-yourself-whilst-touching-yourself-with-mayonaise-game? Dude, Carpe Diem!"
-"What? You're not into human extermination using a combination of Cyklon B and contained spaces? Mein freude, Carpe Diem!"
OK, I might be exaggerating just a teeny tiny bit, but I just can't stand some of the things people call "living life to the fullest". I know I won't be happier by staying indoors, stay away from all sharp objects and only eat veggies, but I really don't - anyone who's seen me eat half a kilo of marzipan in an hour knows I won't have a very long life, but taking giant risks is not part of living - it's part of dying prematurely for absolutely nothing. I live everyday to the fullest by spending time with my best friends, doing stupid things that won't lead to me lying dead in a gutter and I'm happy - I know I could die tomorrow, and I fucking hate it, but I can still be happy today. I don't need to be told to go skydiving, bungee-jumping or try food that might kill you or at least insult your mother: today, I'll buy a different brand of pasta. Watch me live on the edge.