söndag 4 november 2012

If one could overdose on self pity, I would be on a Jimi-Hendrix-choking-on-own-vomit-level by now

I'm on my 11th consecutive sick-day, and I'm losing it completely. Purely by coincidence, by boyfriend left me to spend time with his busty hooker because I consist largely of snot and self pity. He told me he was going to visit his parents, but I read between the lines. For the past 10 days, I have done nothing but sneeze, blow my nose, yell at my cats for not giving me more sympathy and watch tv. And man, have I watched tv. I've planned my entire day around Real Housewives of New Jersey's menopause striptease tea parties, I didn't know I was pregnant until 2 years after I gave birth, American Gipsy Cupcake weddings and divorces and Gordon Ramsay telling small children making mudcakes to go fuck themselves. I have quite high fever, so all of that might not have happened. However, it made me think: Why do people watch this crap? And more importantly, why do I watch this crap? Why is there something so enticing with Honey Boo Boo, Mob Wives, Toddlers and Tiaras and Coupon crazy people? In the good old days, people entertained themselves with real, proper freaks: conjoined twins, bearded ladies, snakemen and so forth: nowadays we only have chainsmoking pregnant teenagers, housewives with botoxed livers and mormon families with housing problems. The tv shows are just getting more and more ridiculous, and the lengths people are willing to go to are seriously terrifying - yet I cannot avert my gaze from the trainwreck that is TLC. What is the most frightening is the thought of the impending future: if this is what tv shows contain these days, what will people be watching in ten years.

Ten tv shows I predict will show up in the near future:

1. You are what your husband eats - a repressed woman's dieting show
2. Mormon Bachelor - 100 contestants fight for the chance to be one of the 10 wives of hot mormon bachelor
3. How I met your motherland - Kim Jong Un tells small children about the glory of North Korea
4. Top Chef Zimbabwe - Ten famous chefs try to do the best dish possible with only half a scoop of rice
5. Women can do it all - A show about strong women who manage to take care of two kids and a home whilst simultaneously managing a crack factory
6.  Baywatch Coastguard - Four beautiful women work to secure US borders from swimming mexican families who just want to have a decent life
7. War and the City - Men in their 40's starting wars with whoever they want, no feelings or strings attached
8. Genocide Wives - We follow the wives of men convicted of genocide through every day routines such as grocery shopping, partying and hiding secret files documenting the extinction of millions of people
9. People Hoarders - a show that visits serial killers with a serious lack of  organizing skills
10. Siamese twins in Tiaras

Scratch the last one, TLC is apparently already launching a show about conjoined twins. I feel like I am entitled to royalties. However, TLC and other terrible TV channels still fill one function: Looking at reality shows about chainsmoking pregnant ladies makes my breakfast consisting of 6 cinnamon buns, 4 cups of coffee with a touch of caramel liqeur and some icecream looks healthy by comparison. Aristotle once spoke about the golden mean of moderation, that the perfect virtue was the one between two extremes: generosity is the mean between profligacy and scantiness, courage is the mean between cowardice and arrogance etc.
Thus, thanks to TLC's depraved life forms and the teachings of my homeboy Aristotle, I will henceforth view my diet as the mean between antioxidants and heroin.

I feel good about this.

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