"What is my purpose in life?", "Why do I even bother to go on?", "Where is the fucking cake?" and other philosophical questions I often ask myself

So, I'm a bit depressed right now. I'm not sure if it is because I failed my last exam to the extent that I truly believe that if I had thrown up on the exam paper, I would have gotten at least 5 points more than if I hadn't thrown up on it. However, for some reason I'm not sure if I want my academic attempts to be lined with small, non-digested pieces of cookie dough and leftover pizza. I know, I demand too high standards of myself.
Add to the misery that I have been sick for about two or three weeks now, mainly spending my time with watching Black Books over and over again and discovering that I am awesome at multi-tasking - I manage to do the dishes and hate myself at the same time. Such a time-saver, I'll tell you that. No one pulls off emptying the cat litter box and simultaneously criticizing their looks, intellect and personality as I do. I should write a book aimed at busy women, some sort of how-to guide with suggestions on how to fit a daily hating yourself session into any busy lifestyle. Sort of a "You can have the cake and shit on it as well" situation.

Well, I'm going to go on being bitter for a while, reading my new Bertrand Russell book about how to lose a god in ten days or something like that. Since I have been an raging atheist since the tender age of ten, I tend to distance myself from people who claim that God is constantly watching over them. I just know that if there for some reason is a deity, and if he is watching over my life, he would be just like one of the loud teenage girls in cinemas watching a scary movie, going "OH NO DON'T GO IN THERE, THE MURDERER IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR!!!!", but probably more "OH NO DON'T EAT THAT ENTIRE CAKE, YOU WILL SPEND ALL YOUR DAY FARTING BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE A REBELLIOUS FUCK-ALL ATTITUDE FOR NEGLECTING YOUR LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!"   And then God would watch as life killed me with a steak-knife, throw popcorn at the screen and text constantly with his BFF.

Now, you'll have to excuse me, as I have to go and bribe my cat with salmon in exchange for love.

                                                It is important to stay positive.