torsdag 29 september 2011

6 reasons why I would be the worst person to be abducted and killed by a serial killer

1. I have watched way too many episodes of Criminal Minds to be able to be content with just any every day torturing and killing; I would actually cause the serial killer performance anxiety with me yelling "You call that torture? My cat does worse things to me in the morning in order to wake me up! At least be a man and bring out the acid and blowtorches! Jeez, it's like I'm dealing with an amateur here, do you have references that back up the fact that you have killed twenty women? Because I am getting suspicious, to be honest. Oh, and you do this because your mother licked your face when you slept and you liked the feel of warm flesh? Sooo cliché. Retro isn't really appropriate when it comes to murder, you know."
2. When I cry, my entire body starts to produce snot and it shoots out of my nose like a damn waterfall. Trust me, there will be nothing aesthetic about this murder, you will just have to swim through all the snot just to get to the body parts you intend to hurt. So unless you want to drown in the hysterical body fluids of your victim, I would suggest that you'll pick someone more fitting to your task.
3. I have a cat, and if I don't play with him every three hours, he becomes depressed. And that's just mean, Mr "I love to eat people's eyeballs".
4.Considering that I spend most of my spare time in sweaty t-shirts and sweats, I would seriously see the fact that you picked me instead of a beautiful blonde as a creepier fetish than the fact that you kill women for your own pleasure. And I mean, you really don't want me to loathe you, do you?
5. When he would be finished carving my flesh, I would probably lean over and whisper something like "When you're down there, could you cut of some of the lovehandles and the fat on my tummy? I've been putting pounds like crazy the past year."
6. I am impossible to lure into a vehicle, as I am probably the most paranoid individual in the world. If I see an old lady fall and she reaches out a hand to me, I immediately run. Nice trick there grandma, I know that your psycho nephew or son hides somewhere nearby and just waits for little me to run to your rescue. I won't fall for that fake "Oh god, I think I broke my hipbone" crap. And tourists wanting help to find their way on the map can just give up right now, I see right through you.

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