söndag 23 oktober 2011

Changing your boyfriend's pizza topping and other S&M things that I am into

I have always been intrigued by the forbidden, the decadent, the danger with different sexual paraphilias (odd sexual preferences) and consume enormous amounts of victorian erotica and Marquis de Sade, yet I am when it all comes down to it, quite a prude. And it is really starting to bother me. When being asked by slightly drunk girlfriends the question "Are you a naughty girl?", I always giggle and respond in my head with "Well... I don't know if I should tell you this, I mean, I don't really know you, but sometimes I go to bed without flossing. Yeah. Freaky stuff, right?" and then I drink more until i pass out in my own vomit and everyone misinterprets it because they just don't understard performance art. So bourgeoisie. Just the concept of going to clubs in order to get laid is so foreign to me, to be able to go up to someone in a club and then just leave with that person - I mean, with all of that loud music, how will they even be able to hear my awesome jokes about ways to turn circumcision into a crafty hobby for the whole family, which as we all know is the straight way to a man's heart. I like to think that I would at least like to know the guy's name before all the latex harnesses and sex swings come out. I know, I'm such a romantic. However, I believe that sadomasochism must develop and become more sinister, more genuinly hurtful. Because seriously, hanging someone upside down from the ceiling and then whip him or her sounds more like a normal diet show than sex - the truly depraved treatment of your spouse is so much more accessible than ball gags and nipple twisting; it is already there in your everyday life.

So, my ten alternatives for new, kinky S&M adapted to the lazy and insidious:
1. Not putting on the cap on the toothpaste after using it
2. Putting CD's in the wrong covers
3. Forwarding chain mail
4. Leaving clipped toe nails in the bathroom sink
5. Intentionally tripping your spouse whilst he/she is carrying food
6. Buying fruit when your spouse asked for chocolate because "fruit is candy"
7. Putting the spark back into the relationship by doing something new; like killing a hobo or start robbing banks. Because nothing says reconnecting as a couple like couple's killing spree. Makes your spouse feel included.
8. Telling all of your boyfriend's friends that he secretly cries to How I met your mother.
9. Spoiling the end of that film he been wanting to see for months.
10. Secretly switch his pizza toppings to something he hates. 

Remember; a black eye will hurt for a week, but a lost pizza topping will hurt for months. 
How I have a boyfriend is beyond me.

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